In Other Words, Just A Routine Mission
by 2lieutenant
Summary: "We do it all the time. You know, sneak away from Schultz and wreck havoc on some Krauts. In other words, just a routine mission." 2017 Short Story Speedwriting Contest. Bronze-Short Comedy Papa Bear Awards 2018


**Disclaimer: I do not own Hogan's Heroes or profit from writing this.**

* * *

"And then," Hogan said while pointing to the map of the stalag, "he's going to faint in Schultz's arms and will be carried into Klink's quarters. He'll throw the smoke bomb-like thing down, grab that case, and hightail it out of there." Hogan pulled the map down and it rolled up and back into place. He pushed the plank into the wall and turned to face his men. "Any questions?"

Newkirk raised a finger and cocked his head. "Actually, sir, I do. Who exactly is _he_?"

Hogan slung an arm around Newkirk's shoulders. "He's you, Newkirk, that's who he is."

Newkirk's eyes widened. "But, sir, that's a dangerous plan. Schultz and Klink could recognize me. I could die!"

Hogan removed his arm from Newkirk's shoulders. "Well, let's suppose you were going to die. You would pass from this life knowing you died for a good cause."

"A good cause!" Newkirk shouted, "How's this a good cause?"

Hogan solemnly answered. "Newkirk, you'll never regret it, unless someone shoots you. Besides, wrecking havoc on the Germans is always a good cause."

" _Oui_ ," LeBeau agreed, " The _Le Boche_ deserve it."

Newkirk cast his eyes upward. "Oh barmy, this is just wonderful."

"Oh, and one last thing, Newkirk," Hogan said.

Newkirk opened his eyes and sighed. "Did I volunteer for something again? Like KP duty for the next month?"

Hogan shook his head. "No. But you're going to have to use a different old woman's clothes. Schultz and Klink have seen your old ones too often."

Newkirk pulled out a red hat from his sewing basket and mockingly put it on. "Will this do?"

Hogan smiled. "Perfect."

He was interrupted by Schultz's arrival. "Everybody, light's out," he bellowed.

They all groaned. "Oh, Schultzie," Newkirk said, " We just need five more minutes."

Schultz shook his head. He looked at Newkirk and started. "Newkirk, what is that on your head? Where did you get a lady's hat?"

"It's only until tomorrow, then he's going to take it off again. We need it for our mission." Hogan consoled him.

"Very well, as long as you have a good reason. Wait, what mission?" As soon as the words were out of his mouth, Schultz shook his head. "I don't want to know. Just light's out!"

Carter looked around. "It's ten o' clock already? Funny, it doesn't seem like it's ten o' clock."

"Actually, no." Schultz checked his watch. He waved a finger. "It is five minutes _past_ ten."

Hogan patted Schultz on the back. "Okay, Schultz, we'll go to bed."

Schultz looked at Colonel Hogan gratefully. "Oh thank you, Colonel Hogan."

"We just need five more minutes."

Schultz's face pleaded. "Colonel Hogan, please. You must tell your men to go to bed. Kommandant Klink's orders."

"Alright, Schultz, since you asked nicely." Hogan turned to his men. "Okay, fellas, lights out." They obeyed, and Schultz breathed a sigh of relief.

"Thank you, Colonel Hogan."

Hogan nodded patronizingly. "You're welcome, Schultz. You can leave now."

Schultz was about to leave when he remembered something. "Oh, Colonel Hogan. Kommandant Klink would you like some of your men to shovel snow outside the camp tomorrow."

"What? In this freezing weather?" LeBeau exclaimed.

Schultz agreed. "That's what I said to him- in this weather? But of course he did not listen to me." He rolled his eyes and left leaving a pile of snow in his wake.

As soon as he shut the door, the whole barracks erupted into complaints.

"Colonel, it's too cold," came one complaint.

"He's crazy," said another.

They kept on coming and coming. Hogan felt like he was in the middle of a word blizzard. At last, he had enough.

"Hold it, hold it. Everyone quiet."

The whole barracks abruptly stopped mid-sentences.

"This will help us get out of camp. Newkirk will have the perfect opportunity. Why the complaining? We do it all the time. You know, sneak away from Schultz and wreck havoc on some Krauts. In other words, just a routine mission. I won't force you to go. This is a volunteer mission only. Alright, anyone want to volunteer?"

Nobody moved. They all stared at their feet in utter fascination. Finally, Carter glanced around the barracks. Everyone continued to stare at their feet. He stepped forward and saluted Hogan.

"I would like to volunteer, sir."

Hogan nodded. "Thank you, Carter." He looked around the room. "Anyone else?"

Kinch stepped forward. "I'll go, Colonel." And with that, all the men seemed to become unstuck. They all joined Carter and Kinch in the middle of the room.

It was Hogan's turn to find a sudden fascination with his shoes. He was touched. He looked up and smiled at his men.

"Thank you." He turned to Carter. "Carter, how's that bomb coming. You have everything you need for it?"

"Oh yeah, sure, Colonel. It's pretty simple. Now you take your average, basic smoke bomb. Then you add-"

Hogan smiled at him. "I understand, Carter. I'm sure you have everything under control. Newkirk, do you have the clothes you'll need?"

Newkirk nodded. "Yes."

"Good. Okay, everyone back to bed."

* * *

The next morning, Carter showed Newkirk the bomb.

"So if you press this, that'll activate the bomb. Now, don't touch that, because of you do, it will explode and you might die. Well, you probably won't die, but I wouldn't recommend touching it. Because you see, this bomb is extremely volatile. It's never been made before, so I had to guess a little with the exact numbers and measurements. Besides, I don't have exactly everything to make sure it's safe. I tried my best, but you know with the war on and everything; its hard to get all the safety equipment."

"Carter, please don't scare me more than is absolutely necessary. Just show me how this ruddy thing works and skip the lecture."

"Okay."

* * *

Later that day, they followed Schultz out of the camp and started shoveling. After thirty minutes had gone by, Newkirk ducked back into the truck and put on his disguise. He discreetly jumped out and ran into the bushes. He stayed there for about ten minutes. He emerged from the bushes, and approached Schultz.

"Oh, oh, I feel so weak." Newkirk stumbled toward him. Schultz dropped his rifle and hurried to Newkirk.

"Are you okay, gnadige Frau?"

Newkirk put a hand to his forehead. He swayed a little before righting himself.

"Well, you look like a handsome guard. Would you be able to help me?"

Schultz puffed up. "Anything for a lady."

Newkirk simpered. "Well, aren't you a nice lad. Your mother taught you well."

Schultz bowed awkwardly. "Thank you, ma'am, I try to."

Newkirk was having a ball. He was about to respond, when he saw Hogan. Hogan motioned for him to hurry up. So Newkirk positioned himself closer to Schultz and prepared himself for the grand finish. He stumbled backwards and moaned.

"Oh dear, I'm not feeling well again." He fished some smelling salts from his bag and waved them furiously under his nose. Schultz had hurried behind him and was hovering to make sure he was alright. Newkirk turned slightly to make sure Schultz was in the right place. Satisfied, he closed his eyes and fainted into Schultz's arms. It was not a very graceful swoon. The impact sent Schultz back a few feet. Luckily, Schultz regained his balance and caught Newkirk. He glanced behind him and saw Colonel Hogan.

"Colonel Hogan, what should I do?" He gestured helplessly at the "lady" in his arms.

Hogan looked thoughtfully at Newkirk. "The lady is probably very weak from hunger. I mean look at her, she barely weighs anything. Why don't we take her back to camp and LeBeau can make her something while she rests in Klink's quarters."

Schultz listened carefully and nodded. "That is a very good plan, Colonel Hogan. I will do that." He turned to tell a guard to help the "lady" into the truck.

"Okay, everybody in," Hogan called. They climbed into the truck and headed back to the stalag.

Once there, Klink came rushing out of his office, monocle in hand. "Schultz, what is the meaning of this? Did the road get cleared?"

Schultz looked sheepish and stared at his feet.

"Well?"

Schultz still remained silent.

"Mmph! You will answer me, Sergeant Schultz."

Schultz's eyes widened upon hearing this.

"Kommandant, I refuse to answer on the grounds that I might tell the truth. I can tell you that we came back because a lady needs some help."

"A lady?"

"Yes. We need to put her in your quarters so she can rest. Lebeau will make her some very nourishing food. Excuse me, Herr Kommandant." Schultz pushed passed Klink and headed toward Klink's quarters, followed closely by the guard with Newkirk and Hogan.

He was stopped right at Klink's door. "Where do you think you're going?"

"We're going to help the lady."

"You're putting her in my quarters?"

"Of course," replied Schultz, "Colonel Hogan suggested it." He leaned in and whispered, "I thought it was a very good idea." He straightened proudly, waiting for Colonel Klink's praise. He was sadly disappointed.

"Absolutely not, you will put her in the outer office. She can sit there."

Hogan quickly stepped in. "Kommandant, how could you be so cruel? Look at this poor lady. You know, sir, I expected more from our fair, impartial, Nazi Kommandant. You fairness and impartiality is practically legendary around these parts. Did you know, Kommandant, I even wrote to my mother telling her about you?"

"You did?"

"Certainly, you wouldn't want me writing a different letter saying how you denied a little, weak, old lady your quarters for a few hours."

Klink sighed. "Very well, she may go." He turned and walked back into his office.

Schultz gaped at Hogan. "How did you do that?"

Hogan grinned. "Magic. Okay, let's get this lady onto the couch and let her rest."

Newkirk was set unceremoniously down on the couch and they left. As soon as the door closed, Newkirk leaped up and fumbled with the hem of his skirt. He got the bomb and just as he was about to throw it, he blanked. What was he supposed to do again? Press this or that? Newkirk shook his head and just threw it. Ink exploded everywhere. He grabbed the case, and headed down the tunnel. Once down, he threw off his disguise and climbed up the ladder.

"I got it."

"Excellent, great job, Newkirk," Hogan commended. He grabbed his crush cap. "Got to see the Kommandant, now. Let's go, Newkirk."

* * *

"For the last time, Schultzie, open that door."

Schultz shook his head. "The Kommandant is not to be disturbed. Kommandant Klink's orders." Their racket caused Klink to throw open his office door.

"What's going on? I have piles of paperwork to do. Schultz, did I not tell you I wasn't to be disturbed?"

Hogan interrupted. "Kommandant, you need to see what's going on in your quarters. Newkirk and I saw the old woman running away clutching something. Looked suspicious. Who knows? Maybe she stole your cuckoo clock."

Klink glared at Hogan, but hurried to his quarters. It was a mess. Ink was everywhere. Klink immediately spotted what was missing.

"My phonograph!" He looked around the room. "Where are my gyroscopes?" He frantically searched the room. While he looked, he began delivering a discourse on the function of gyroscopes. This surprisingly seemed to calm his nerves.

Newkirk was puzzled. "You want to talk about gyroscopes at a time like this?"

Klink didn't bother answering him. Instead, he grabbed his coat and headed back to his office. Before he left, he said, "Schultz, make sure this gets cleaned up."

Schultz looked at Hogan reproachfully. "I think you have something to do with this."

Hogan held up his hands in protest. "I know nothing about the gyroscopes. I guess we'd better let you finish up here. Bye Schultz."

Once they got back to the barracks, Hogan asked, "What did you do with his gyroscopes?"

Newkirk shrugged. "I didn't touch them. Maybe they got knocked over by the bomb."

Hogan eyed him suspiciously. "Okay, Newkirk."

Later that day, Schultz made Newkirk help clean the room. While he did, he found the gyroscopes had rolled under the sofa. Klink was elated. He even gave Barracks 2 an extra half hour of light for a week.

* * *

A few days later, Schultz came in.

"Colonel Hogan?" He stopped when he heard soft music playing. He followed the source to a phonograph. "Isn't that the one Colonel Klink had stolen by the old lady? Why do you have it?"

"It was a funny story. The old women left it because it was too heavy. Kinch fixed it up. Doesn't it look nice?"

"But, Colonel Hogan, you must put it back where it belongs."

"In that ink-covered room? No thanks. Schultz, there is a place for everything, and the thing is in its place. Doesn't it look at home here? Besides, we needed it for a diversion. We have to plan a party and Klink had to be distracted so we can-"

Schultz covered his ears. "I know nothing!"

* * *

 **I think I used every prompt. I also added in a quote from another episode. Can you spot it?**


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